This article was written by Jane Morris — author of the bestselling book: Teacher Misery. Connect with her on Instagram, Twitter, and Tumblr.
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*This article was written by a guest author. It has not been vetted or endorsed by Bored Teachers' editorial staff.*
When an adult doesn’t like their service at a restaurant they can express themselves on Yelp. When they get poor care at a doctor’s office, they can review their experience on ZocDoc. Just like adults, kids have a very public online forum, to express their dissatisfaction with their teachers. It's called Ratemyteachers.com. This very popular site allows anyone in the world to look up a teacher by name or by school, and see what people have posted anonymously about them. It not only rates their performance, it rates their popularity, as well.
It gets worse... Ratemyprofessors.com actually gives an option to rate a teacher’s “hotness”... INAPPROPRIATE? It doesn't stop there. If the teacher gets enough votes, they get a hot tamale icon next to their name. These sites give anyone the chance to comment on a teacher’s performance with absolutely no filter. You are not required to log in or enter your name or email address to post a comment. Ratemyteachers.com has over 15 million ratings for more than 11 million teachers while ratemyprofessors.com has 1.4 million professors and over 15 million ratings.
According to these sites, all comments are reviewed and approved by volunteer moderators to ensure they are consistent with the site's rules/guidelines before they can be publicly viewed. However, I’m not sure who is moderating because it seems that you can pretty much write whatever you like. Websites like these give young people, who lack the maturity and discretion to be able to properly rate their educators, a place to be angry and inappropriate. And if you aren’t the one being rated, some of them are so ridiculous, that they are pretty funny.
1. The Human-Pterodactyl Hybrid
“He makes me want to jump off something tall and land on something sharp. I have a theory that he harvests the tears of his students so that he can drink them and have eternal life. I have never seen a better looking human-pterodactyl hybrid.”
In just four sentences we get a lot of information about this professor. He will make you want to brutally maim yourself. He looks like an attractive prehistoric man-bird and he has no feelings other than the satisfaction he gets from watching his students suffer. All in all, if you take this class after reading this rating you must be some kind of sadomasochist.
2. The Peepee Professor
“Ehh… it would be better if she didn’t talk about how she pees on her husband.”
This is reason enough for me to take this class! I must hear more!
3. It’s like an enjoyable punch in the face
“Teaches well, invites questions and then insults you for 20 minutes. He is cool. Maybe the smartest man I know.”
Okay, we have a lot of solid information on this teacher. He teaches well, he's cool, and he's a very smart man. He will also take 20 minutes of class time to insult you. All in all, it seems like a decent tradeoff, and a good exercise in growing thick skin.
4. Terrific Trombone Player and Terrible Person
“Although this man is a terrific trombone player, he is a terrible person and I hate him.”
This student is clearly jealous of the teacher’s terrific trombone playing skills. Petty.
5. Disgruntled Shopping Mall Santa
“He reminds me of a disgruntled shopping mall Santa.”
What more do you need to know?
6. My Left Nut with Swine Flu is More Effective
“I honestly think I could wake up with swine flu and my left nut alone could still be a better professor.”
I’m getting a pretty clear visual on this one. The professor must be a lethargic, sensitive blob, whose class causes chills, fever, diarrhea, nausea, and vomiting. Which can be avoided through vaccine and/or not taking the class.
7. Cold, Soulless, Empty Vessel who Teaches Well
“He seems happy, and teaches well, but there’s just something off about him that I can’t put my finger on. He smiles, but there’s no warmth there. Just a terrible emptiness like you’d find in the rusting hull of a ship forgotten at the bottom of a dead sea. Something happened to him to make him this way. I do not know what it was. No one does.”
He seems happy and teaches well, but he might not have a soul. Oh well.
8. Amazingly Good Looking, Psychic Teacher with Crusty Old Tests
“If there was a nuclear holocaust, the only survivors would be cockroaches and his tests. However, if you go to his office you get to bask in his amazingly good looks. One time he joked about how my boyfriend was lying to me and the next day my boyfriend broke up with me.”
Be sure to visit him during office hours, for a free psychic reading from a stud!
9. His Class is Like a Decent LSD Trip
“Looking back, the class kind of seems like a weird dream, in the sense that it’s similar to reality but scarier and of no value to you in the real world. He told out class with complete seriousness that Aristotle had proven that a rock thrown faster than the speed of light becomes sentient.”
I actually work with this man and this review seems pretty accurate. Although he is old enough to have known Aristotle, so that might very well be true.
10. Like a Stinky Belch
“All the allure of a pepperoni induced burp.”
This teacher stinks like half-digested cured pork. If you’re into that sort of thing, take this class!
11. Teaching Skills Aside, Let’s Talk About the Stench
“Hates the constitution. Smells like a wet dog who got sprayed by a skunk. Someone should discuss hygiene with her. A bar of soap and a toothbrush isn’t too much to ask.”
Hates the constitution and soap! It doesn’t get more evil than that!
12. Satan Gives Extra Credit!
“Pray every night the God will be with you because I am convinced this guy is Satan. I swear I saw him breathe fire from his mouth and incinerate a student right in front of the class. He does offer extra credit, but you’ll fail the exams.”
Like Satan, he enjoys bashing students in his office and in the classroom. Also, he breathes fire and once incinerated a kid. But at least there’s extra credit!
13. Annoying and Feeds on Plankton
“Has the personality of a sea-slug.”
This reviewer loses all credibility with that grammatical error, am I right?
14. Mysterious Fanny Pack
“The only thing that keeps the blood flowing to my brain is wondering what the hell is up with his fanny pack.”
But seriously, who cares what he’s talking about? I need to know more about that fanny pack!
15. This Class Forces Me to Make Reckless Decisions!
“I don’t wear my seatbelt when driving to school because I want to die before I can make it to this class.”
I am sorry to have to tell you this, but your class makes students want to die.