LAUGH
If you teach, you just may be a drinker (in moderation, of course). Let’s be honest here: Friday Happy Hours are some of our most joyous moments.
After surviving the daily chaos, what better way to unwind than with a drink that matches the absurdity of our week? Here’s your guide to perfectly pairing classroom obstacles with just the right alcoholic beverage.
1. Surprise Observations
Situation: It’s the day before the holiday break. Principal Procrastinate comes in with their laptop, plants themselves down amongst a sea of overexcited Pajama Day students, and starts writing notes critiquing the holiday word-hunt lesson we are doing.
Alcohol Pairing: Craft Beer Sampler
Because it’s A LOT. For every ridiculous observation suggestion our principal gives us, we need to take a drink. After we finish our sampler, we will be as out of touch with reality as they are.
2. Senseless Staff Meetings
Situation: We are stuck listening to an explanation of all the new mandates we have to implement while thoughts race through our brains about all the old mandates we are neglecting by attending this meeting.
Alcohol Pairing: Boxed wine
It’s cheap and feels like it will never end. The spout on the box mirrors the endless flow of unnecessary content being poured out and consumed. Please, make it stop.
3. Pain in the ASS Parents
Situation: Some parents think you have unlimited hours in your day and the magical ability to bend time and space. They email at midnight asking for daily reports and expect immediate replies to every question. They are in complete denial and think we are out to get their child. News flash: “Ain’t nobody got time for that.”
Alcohol Pairing: Chardonnay
Because it’s the go-to drink for smiling politely through gritted teeth. It’s classy, just like the way you’ll respond to their demands even when you’re screaming internally, “Have you completely lost your mind?”
4. Teacher Buzzwords
Situation: Teacher buzzwords are the evidence-based practices that promote differentiation and rigor through a deep dive into data-driven instruction in a student-centered learning environment to enhance social-emotional learning while fostering a growth mindset within professional learning communities that are held accountable for developing 21st-century skills.
Do you see what I did there? You can even use annoying buzzwords to define annoying buzzwords.
Alcohol Pairing: Bottomless Mimosa
Why? Because the words just keep coming and coming. They seem fancy and exciting at first, but then they make us completely lose our shi$ every time we hear another one.
5. The F-Bomb
Situation: Well, we knew it would happen one day. We scream “MOTHER FUC*ER!” when we trip over a rogue Chromebook or whisper it to ourselves when the students won’t shut up. But it’s not a whisper – it’s loud.
Alcohol Pairing: Whiskey Straight
Because, there is no way you can sugarcoat this. It burns going down, and there may be regrets, but in a few days, life will move on as if nothing ever happened.
6. Sunday Blues
Situation: Sunday isn’t a day of rest—it’s a day of impending doom. The weight of the upcoming week looms over us like a storm cloud, and every ungraded paper or unfinished lesson plan feels like another clap of thunder. Deep down, we know we should be productive, but all we end up doing is staring at Netflix and stressing about the things we do not have done yet. The internal struggle between relaxation and responsibility makes Sunday a genuinely bittersweet day.
Alcohol Pairing: Vodka Red Bull
This is a perfect combination. The vodka says, “No, need to work; your bed and Netflix are calling,” while the Red Bull jolts you into action and productivity. On Sunday, there is room for both.
7. The Glitter Explosion
Situation: Using glitter as a teacher always adds extra flair and sparkly excitement. That is, until we walk into the grocery store after school looking like a decorated Christmas Tree.
Alcohol Pairing: Goldschläger
This cinnamon schnapps has actual flakes of gold, making it the glitter of alcohol. This definitely has some extra flair, if you know what I mean. Much like glitter, it has similar lasting effects.
8. Behavior Problems We Can’t Solve
Situation: One student seems to have made it their life’s mission to test every ounce of our patience. They’re the source of every interruption and outburst while the rest of the class can’t learn or even function in the madness. We’ve tried reaching out to parents and admin, but somehow, it is only our problem to solve.
Alcohol Pairing: Double Margarita
Why? Because one is never enough. Salt the rim, just like the tears of frustration and despair you’ve shed over this situation.
9. Bathroom Conspiracies
Situation: You just started introducing addition in early elementary. One student raises their hand to use the bathroom, which sets off a chain reaction of hands shot high in the air and students doing “The Peepee Dance.” You’ve got a first-grade traffic jam at the door, all claiming there is no way on God’s green earth they are capable of holding it one second longer. We know the feeling. Once on the way, they take their leisurely time touching every spot on the walls, without any sense of urgency whatsoever.
Alcohol Pairing: Jell-O Shots
Bright, bouncy, and clearly incapable of sitting still—These are contagious, much like the thought of using the restroom at inopportune times in the classroom. If one person takes a shot, we all must.
10. The Last Day of School
Situation: After a year of sleepless nights, piles of paperwork, full moons, rainy afternoons, stress beyond measure, and days as long as the line at the DMV on a Monday morning, the school year is coming to a close. It is now time for VACATION.
Alcohol Pairing: Champagne
None of the cheap stuff for this day: get the most expensive bottle, as this is the time to celebrate, not numb and forget.
Parents might not feel the same way, as they are up for a long few months of “I’m bored” or “I’m hungry.” In the summer, it is their turn to go through the alcohol pairing list.
So let’s raise a glass to teachers everywhere who run the range of emotions every school year: the unsung heroes who pour their hearts into their classrooms, who show up day after day ready to make a difference, and who, at the end of another marathon year, have earned every sip of a well-deserved celebratory drink. Cheers to their dedication, their compassion, and their ability to do what so many of us can’t—teach.
Tag a teacher friend, and go have a drink.
