LAUGH
“My favorite day of the school year is Halloween,” said no teacher ever. Halloween is the most tiring day of our entire lives as teachers. It is like every holiday party wrapped into one excitingly, chaotic day that will wipe us out for entire weeks afterward.
If you would like to know exactly what this day is like, eighties songs tell it best.
Before Halloween
“Under Pressure” by Queen
This happens when your grade level gets together and says, “Let’s all be witches this year.” Even though you roll your eyes internally, you excitedly say, “What an absolutely incredible idea.”
Day of Halloween
“Dress You Up” by Madonna
This is the excitement stage. You walk through the halls and everyone says, “Oh look at how awesome you look.” You think to yourself, “Yeah, I really do look amazing.” Adrenaline kicks in for the fresh he@# that lies ahead…
“Maniac” by Michael Sembello
There is always one crazy staff member who lives for this day to scare the living bejesus out of students and fellow faculty. They will dress as something inhuman and jump out of storage closets to put your heart into apoplexy.
“Pour Some Sugar on Me” by Def Leppard
This occurs when the kids open up the Fun Dip and the whole room is covered in a fine layer of sugary sand. You may catch one or two students on the floor trying to lick it up. That’s also an ’80s song, by the way.
“Voices Carry” by Til Tuesday
Oh, do they! As soon as students take their first bite of cupcake frosting, the noise level slowly rises until it makes you think you are going absolutely Looney Tunes.
The line at the end of this song always goes through my head:
“He said, ‘Shut Up.’ He said, ‘Shut up.’ Oh, God, can’t you keep it down?’”
“Let’s Go Crazy” by Prince
Even the quietest, sweetest little kindergarten child who never says a word in my classroom is now spinning in circles with her princess dress flying way above her head and screaming the lyrics to “Let it Go.”
Another boy cannot be consoled as he has broken his mask and spilled punch on his costume. He wants to call his mom. Oh boy.
“I’m Still Standing” by Elton John
Although we feel as though we have endured an entire UFC fight, we have made it through the entire day of absolute madness. We begin to feel an incredible sense of accomplishment and relief that we have an entire year to prepare for this happening again.
“Fast Car” by Tracy Chapman
Our rooms are absolute disasters, but we are too tired for clean-up. We avoid locking eyes with the custodian on the way out, jump into our car and can’t wait to get home.
Oh crap, we are out of toilet paper. Of course, we are.
“Red Red Wine” by UB40
Well, at least we can grab some wine with the toilet paper. With our nerves completely shot, we leave a bowl of candy outside for the trick-or-treaters with a note that says, “Take one or two. We don’t really care.”
This is pretty much how Halloween goes for most teachers.
The day after Halloween
“Talking in Your Sleep” by the Romantics
I have no idea why we have school the day after Halloween, but everyone who manages to come is a walking zombie. Students are in sugar comas, and we are in our wine comas. Roll the Thanksgiving movie, please.
“I Want Candy” by Bow Wow Wow
The day after Halloween, parents send their kids to school with candy loaded into every single clothing crevice to avoid eating it at home themselves. Students deny eating it in class but random wrappers and colorful trails of Skittles under desks give them away.
“November Rain” by Guns and Roses
The best part of Halloween being over is that November is a glorious month filled with many holidays. It is often called “No School November” for this very reason.
Although teachers joke about Halloween being the worst day of the entire school year, we would not want to replace it. It’s like one of our own child’s birthday parties. We live for the excitement and joy it brings to our students, even though it just about kills us.
