LAUGH
1. Teachers spend most of their day pontificating to a classroom full of students, listening in rapt attention.
None of whom are secretly discussing the YouTube video where they fill a bathtub with milk and Froot Loops.
2. Every teacher has exactly one “problem child,” in the classroom.
And for that student, the teacher is like a fairy godmother, swooping in to whisk away problems with a cheery wave of the wand, Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo.
3. Planning period = Facebook time and an espresso run!
Because dropping off their students in the cafeteria and going to the bathroom takes no time, and the hundreds of papers sitting on their desk get graded in a jiffy, leaving ample time for scrolling the news feed and calmly sipping a hot Starbucks latte, while pumping out next week’s lesson plans. Lucky us!
4. Teaching is easy.
As long as none of the crayons actually break off and become permanently lodged in any of the nostrils, you’re good.
5. Teachers keep a bottle of booze rolling around in their desk drawer.
Not on top of the cubbies where the kids can’t reach it.
6. Teachers don’t need a pay increase because they are there for the love of children.
If they get hungry they can just eat books.
7. Memorizing students’ names comes easy for teachers.
They have no problem at all with the five girls named Makayla, McKayla, Michaela, Mikaela and Mikayla.
8. The worst curse words teachers know are “cheez whiz” and “mother of pearl”.
They would never mutter curse words like a sailor while wiping large smears of dried glue stick off the classroom floor.
9. All teachers spend their off-hours having fun doing what they teach.
From the high school trig teacher who loves calculating angles, to the elementary teacher who can’t stop circling words with a bossy R, it’s all fun!
10. Teachers know when a student misbehaves because they have eyes in the back of their heads.
Not because they have been putting up with that student’s shenanigans since the day after Labor Day and have now compiled sufficient information to make accurate predictions about that potential future misbehaviors.
11. Summertime is fun time for teachers.
Professional development trainings, classroom cleaning, bulletin boards, setting up students online accounts, and the annual all-staff sexual harassment PowerPoint can all be waved away with their good, old fairy godmother wand!
12. When teachers wrap up their weekly newsletter saying “please contact me with questions or concerns,” they want parents to contact them with questions or concerns.
Not accolades, gratitude, and endless offerings of chocolate.
13. When teachers greet former students with “Hi, how are you! Wow, I’m so glad you stopped by to see me!” It’s because they are happy to see the student again.
Not because they can’t think of the student’s name and are desperately trying to buy some time.
14. When teachers need to pee, they pee.
They just leave the room full of 30 children alone, unsupervised for several minutes while they stroll down the hallway, and casually free their bladders from distress. Imagine how painful it would be if they had to hold it all day. With all the coffee they drink!
This article was written by Alice Kinerk. Alice has been an elementary teacher for twelve years. She powers through each day with a speedball of caffeine and anxiety. Humor keeps her sane.
