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Dear Bored Teachers, I’m a gay male teacher, and I refuse to hug or touch or have my kinders come anywhere near my personal space. My colleagues think I’m being cold and paranoid, but I need to protect myself. I love those kids to death, but I’m petrified to have any physical contact with them. Does that make me a bad teacher? Are my students missing out on some social and emotional opportunities, and is it actually hurting my relationships with them?
Signed,
Mr. Hands-Off Teacher
Dear Mr. Hands-Off,
Uh, you need some new teacher besties, and fast. They have not walked in your shoes, and they should show a tad bit more empathy for a very personal and understandable position you are taking.
The decision not to hug is personal.
Although your sex and sexuality should not matter when it comes to showing students affection, how can they not? There are some specific biases out there regarding males who teach young children, and I am sure that has factored into your decision.
Regardless of gender, many teachers have taken the same stance as you to protect themselves. We live in a very litigious society where headlines scare teachers from touching a child in any way. One incident can ruin reputations and careers, so the advice of never being in a room alone with a student or not physically touching is essential.
School policies are inconsistent.
There are many policies in schools now that prohibit any type of touching between teacher and student. Colleges of education also warn future teachers of the pitfalls of hugging students.
In contrast, some elementary schools encourage hugging students because it may be the only affection some students get daily. It sounds like you may be working in a school like this, and that is where the guilt comes from.
Although there may be some truth to this, it is completely understandable to find other ways to connect with your students that may be just as effective and less anxiety-producing for you.
Use alternative ways to connect with students.
To the dismay of my Italian relatives, I am not a hugger by nature. When Thanksgiving came around, I did my best to avoid being squeezed into oblivion by Uncle Tony. It was very AWKWARD.
Here are some ways to connect with students without crossing your (or their) boundaries. These are quick ways to offer non-verbal connections without invading personal space.
Fist Bumps
With the pandemic, the fist bump became very much in vogue. This is definitely a way to connect with students and feel safe in the process. Students will feel encouraged and special.
Elbows
Elbows are another straightforward and non-intrusive way to connect and say, “Great job,” “Hello,” or “Goodbye.”
High Fives
This is a great non-verbal way to engage non-huggers with positive reinforcement. A quick high five should not infringe on personal space or create any type of fear on your part.
Verbal Praise
You obviously care a lot about your students. Genuine verbal positivity, praise, and concern can make a huge difference in the life of your students, and I am sure you do this on a regular basis.
Special Greeting
We have all seen the videos of students arriving at school, and they each individually choose the greeting they want to give their teacher. Of course, you wouldn’t have hugging as an option, but you could include hand signals and dance moves. Beginning the day in this manner would set the stage for students to feel valued and safe.
In closing, Hands-Off Teacher, I think you should feel very secure that your decision not to hug students is not harming your relationship in any way. Students are very good at knowing when their teacher genuinely respects and cares about them, and it sounds like you have a connection with them that can transcend the physical.
