Teaching high school is no joke. You’re basically face-to-face with scores of almost fully-formed adults. There’s a lot you need to do to survive a day with them. Here’s our list of 54 items that will be on your to-do list when you start teaching high school.

  1. Punch your alarm clock the second it goes off.
  2. Contemplate your existence.
  3. Drink coffee.
  4. Drag yourself and your two suitcases full of still ungraded papers to the car.
  5. Realize the only creatures alive at this hour are people heading to high school and bats.
  6. Prepare your classroom for the start of another day.
  7. Put a witty quote on your board that only you and about five students will find amusing.
  8. Put today’s agenda on the board, and upload it to your online classroom, understanding that no one will read it in either location.
  9. Check your email and respond to as many “Why is my child failing?” messages as possible.
  10. Get in line for the bathroom since you won’t get another chance at using it for four hours.
  11. Whisper a positive affirmation to yourself like, “Today will be a good day… as long as everyone leaves me alone.”
  12. Clench your entire body as the first bell rings for the day.
  13. Take attendance first period and wonder where half of your class is.
  14. Answer your door 17 times in the next 5 minutes as all of your missing students miraculously show up late and without a pass.
  15. Gaze out upon your first period class which is mostly asleep and attempt to get your lesson started.
  16. Realize it’s a futile attempt and simply marvel at their ability to nap in those uncomfortable seats.
  17. In between classes, go out into the hall and break up that one couple that always makes out outside your classroom.
  18. At the start of the next period, separate the two students who started dating in your class and are now making out inside your classroom.
  19. Attempt to decipher what a student meant when they told you that your fit is “Skibbidi Ohio, no cap.”
  20. Spend the next 10 minutes Googling “cool clothes for teachers” once you figure out what the student meant.
  21. Remind students that, yes, this assignment is going to be graded and, yes, it will be put in the gradebook… just like all the others.
  22. Stifle your laughter when a student with a 19% in your class asks if there’s anything they can do to raise their grade to a B by the end of the week.
  23. Let a student know that their outfit of “bikini top and hot pants” is not dress code compliant, even though you have 1 million more important things to do.
  24. Re-separate the couple that you had to move apart at the beginning of your class because they’re snuggling next to each other again somehow.
  25. Confiscate a student’s cell phone.
  26. Wonder silently to yourself how a 16-year old with no source of income has a much nicer phone than yours.
  27. Interject current slang into your lesson.
  28. Try not to be offended by the looks your students give you when you fail horribly.
  29. Listen carefully to that one student who loves to gossip about the other kids. This will be the high point of your day.
  30. Try not to let on to other students that you now know all the hot gossip about them.
  31. Attempt to somehow connect your lesson to something current the students would find interesting.
  32. Curse the fact that your students apparently don’t find anything interesting.
  33. In between periods, break up that couple that makes out in front of your classroom again.
  34. Console a student that has come to you in tears because, “Today is the worst day ever!”
  35. Attempt to comfort them by assuring them that not scoring Taylor Swift tickets is not the worst thing that can ever happen to them.
  36. Answer your ringing phone mid lesson and send the appropriate student to the office.
  37. Remind your students coming from gym that deodorant exists.
  38. Answer a knock on your door from the student you sent to the office because the office asked for the wrong student.
  39. Answer your ringing phone again and send what you hope is the correct student to the office this time.
  40. Try to dispel the latest TikTok misinformation that contradicts your lesson.
  41. Wonder out loud how all your students have committed everything on TikTok to memory but somehow retain nothing you’ve taught them all year.
  42. Spend your 20-minute lunch break simultaneously peeing, eating lunch and grading 300 papers.
  43. Rediscover your now ice-cold coffee and chug what’s left hoping it gives you enough energy to get through the day.
  44. Explain to a student that turning in work from two quarters ago is a lovely gesture but the deadline has passed.
  45. Nod understandingly at a student as they spin the most incredible story explaining why they’re not prepared for class today.
  46. Spend your planning period trying to eat the lunch you forgot to eat, pee (finally) and grade 300 papers.
  47. Shove the 280 remaining papers you didn’t grade into your bag to take home with you.
  48. Celebrate just as hard as the students when the final bell rings for the day.
  49. Meet your high school teaching buddies in the hallway to gab like veterans swapping war stories.
  50. Drag your tired body (and those 280 ungraded papers) back to your car.
  51. Ignore your paperwork in favor of spending time with your family.
  52. Realize that spending time with your family means doing a load of laundry, cooking dinner and emptying the dishwasher.
  53. Crawl into bed next to a stack of ungraded papers and as you fall asleep, try to assemble a lesson plan in your head that would work for tomorrow.
  54. Fall asleep before any lessons are assembled.

With these simple steps, you will be an expert at teaching high school in no time.