LAUGH
Hello and welcome back to TSN (the Teacher Shopping Network) and boy, do we have a product for all you teachers out there that you simply won’t want to pass up! Recently our newly minted Secretary of Education, Linda McMahon, who is most well known for getting dropped on her head, brought to our attention a new innovation that is rocking the education world as we know it: A1.
McMahon declared in an accidentally hilarious viral video that “Kids are sponges. They just absorb everything. It wasn’t all that long ago that it was, ‘We’re going to have internet in our schools!’ Now let’s see A1 and how can that be helpful.”
And I know what you’re thinking. Surely she must be referring to Artificial Intelligence, or AI as the cool kids call it. Because clearly it takes a special kind of talent to confuse those two very different things. But what if she did mean A1 sauce the entire time?
We here at TSN looked into it, and maybe McMahon is onto something here. In fact, we’ve come up with 10 uses for A1 that perhaps you never thought of implementing in your classroom until now!
1. Use A1 to cover up existing stains on your carpet.
Has a child blown chunks on your area rug? Pour some A1 on it! Has a student mistakenly used your carpet as a toilet for a #1, #2 or (God forbid) a #3? Pour some A1 on it!
Will this make the stain go away? Absolutely not. But now your stain will smell like steak sauce, and that has to be better than the original source of that stain, right?
2. Use A1 to break up classroom fights.
It can be a pretty tall order to separate two students that are throwing hands or ripping out clumps of each other’s hair. But do you know what’s been proven to be at least 85% successful in quelling those situations? A big ol’ bottle of A1. Just dump it right on top of your little Rocky Balboas, and odds are they will be so confused they’ll stop fighting. Or they won’t. But they might!
3. Use A1 to refill pen and marker ink.
Hey, buying packs of dry erase markers can get expensive, and pens never seem to have enough ink in them these days. If only there was a substance that we could refill pens and markers with to give us worry-free writing all year long! How about trying some A1? Just pour some into your favorite marker or pen. Will it still write? I mean, maybe.
4. Use A1 to keep your class’ attention.
We’ve all seen the trick to keep cats off of surfaces you don’t want them climbing on, right? Fill a squirt bottle with water and give them a little spritz every time they go where they shouldn’t. Students, however, seem to just love getting squirted with water, that’s why we suggested filling your squirt bottle with A1 instead. It’s a bold move, but we guarantee that the kid who is turned around talking to his neighbors will think twice about doing it again after getting pelted with a dollop of steak sauce to the back of his noggin.
5. It’s cheaper than most art supplies.
It’s the end of the school year, your art cabinet is as barren as the heads of most US Senators, and you don’t know what to do. Why not try a couple bottles of A1? Think of all the applications! Students could paint with it, or you can freeze it into cubes and they can build steak sauce igloos with it!
6. Replace middle school body spray with A1.
There are two universal truths regarding middle school boys. They start to smell real bad, and then they try to cover it up with copious amounts of body spray. Anyone with a working nose will tell you that both of those aromas stink, literally. What’s the solution? Have them use A1 instead. Does it smell better than Axe? I mean, it doesn’t smell worse than Axe, so that’s something.
7. A mouthful of A1 can quiet even the noisiest student.
We all remember Marry Poppins singing that spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down, but did you know that a spoonful of A1 makes every student silent? No matter how chatty your class may be, after you give them a spoon or two of this stuff their lips will be sealed for at least the rest of the semester.
8. Stealthily mark the way back to class.
Are your students constantly getting “lost” in the hallways? Are there bathroom breaks getting longer and longer as the school year progresses? Well, maybe they’ve just forgotten the way back into your classroom. If so, just leave a little Hansel and Gretel trail of A1 sauce from the bathroom to your door and they’ll never get lost again.
9. It’s better than spackle… probably.
Just as we teachers need to fill in the gaps in our student’s education, we must also occasionally fill in actual gaps in our classrooms because they’re falling apart and there’s no money to repair them. A1 to the rescue yet again! Squirt it into holes in the wall, use it to reattach chair legs or to get posters to stick to your walls. Is any of this effective? Of course not! But who cares? We’re already so far down the A1 rabbit hole at this point that we’ve started downing entire bottles of the stuff during our prep period.
Hey, wait a minute! That gives us an idea:
10. A1 might just make you forget all of this is happening.
Last time we checked, it was frowned upon to crack open a bottle of wine or ingest a CBD gummy while at school (probably a good idea), but to our knowledge the consumption of A1 is still on the table. So crack open a bottle today and just chug the whole damn thing! Will it be enough to make you forget you’re a grossly underpaid professional who has a million things to do every day and is being governed by a person who couldn’t find a classroom with two hands and a flashlight? Probably not.
But, hey, it’s worth a try.
